If you haven’t seen the foreverduncan hashtag, where have you been? African American women have been raving about this for the past week, so much so that African women worldwide have joined in the frenzy. #foreverduncan is the tag that has followed Alfred Duncan, who proposed to his girlfriend Sherrell at noon and surprised her with a wedding at 6pm on the same day. Videos of their union spread over the internet like wild fire, you can see Sherrell crying tears of joy as she is overwhelmed with emotion. Yes, I admit I was one of the women who watched the video in awe and admiration, that was before the memes started overflowing. When the memes arrived, I had to laugh because let’s face it, men of African and Caribbean descent have had a tough time proving their manhood.
They have been called lazy, disrespectful, irresponsible and other cruel words. They have also been labelled as unromantic, but #foreverduncan has proved that black men can in fact be romantic, if they choose to be. Choosing to be is the point. Why do they choose not to love? Here are some reasons I curated;
1. He is lazy
I had to include this point because many men have been called lazy and I am not sure about this fact. I suppose you can detect an element of laziness in many relationships, however I find that this is relationship dependent. What does laziness look like? WhatsApp as opposed to phone calls. Last minute Saturday plans made on Friday. Forgetting where you went to university and how many siblings you have three months into your relationship. However, because he makes no effort with you, does not mean he will not make the effort with the next woman who comes along. Is this really laziness or a sign of something else? Perhaps it’s a sign of number 5? Keep reading.
2. You make it too easy
Ah, indeed. The independent woman who calls first, texts first, asks him out on dates first and proposes marriage first. Indeed, why would a man in such a situation make any effort. Many African men have been accused of being over pampered by their African mothers (cough cough, Yoruba men), like your grandma used to say; “why buy the cow when you can get the milk and beef for free?”
3. He does not see the point
Yes, some men may not see the point. They may not understand why it is important to pursue you, be romantic and make an effort. However, this point is twofold he may not see the point of the effort, or he may not see the point of you. Aunty please if it is the later carry your legs and run for the hills. Or you can do this;
4. He has daddy issues
Seriously, you’d be surprised how many people come from families where affection is not routinely shown. If a man’s subconscious does not recall seeing love between his parents or receive love from his parents, it may cause him to be ‘clueless’ in this department. If saying I love you, giving hugs, buying gifts and spending time together are foreign to him, then it may be an upbringing issue. What’s the remedy? Figure out his love language, and let him know yours. That may make a difference. Other than that, you’re on your own.
5. He does not want you
This has to be the most logical reason I have found to date. I believe that if a man truly wants you, loves you and wants to please you, he will go out of his way to do what needs to be done to put a smile on your face. He will try in all of his capacity to make you happy, because seeing you happy brings him joy. I find that it is actually that simple, do not force yourself into a one sided relationship. Do you recall the article on unrequited love? You can read it here. You can always pray for a miracle if you’re waiting.
There they are, reasons he does not show love towards you. To be honest I believe love is a choice; a verb more than it is a feeling or a noun.
Over to you
What do you think? Do you agree with the above points? Were you moved to tears by the foreverduncan story? Did you feel he did it so she doesn’t go crazy planning a wedding? Why do some men refuse to show love?
Love it or hate it, please leave a comment below. You know Dami loves to chat! Until next time xx
image credit; THINKPHYNK.com and Instagram